dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
I asked him if we were going to get arrested for doing it in the bar parking lot. "Absolutly not" said the guy getting the blow job...
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I don't want to just break his heart, I want to dip it in liquid nitrogen and then smash it until it's powder and snort the powder
Are you coming over for scrambled eggs and hand jobs?
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