We have 10 gallons of home brew. And james has an amazonian blow dart weapon that sticks in bags and the wall. Come over
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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