she burped and cried multiple times. it was like i was getting head from a baby.
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Im about to get an ultrasound of my balls. I hate waiting. Its the worst.
Randomize
