I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
I just wanted to clarify that I am not bisexual and had no intentions of ACTUALLY penetrating my roommate with a can of bugspray.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
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