dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
well what the fuck is the POINT of teetotal mardi gras
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
Randomize
