Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Randomize
