Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.
I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Nah, just ran around, pinned random men to walls, bit their lips of and booked it.
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
Randomize
