True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
this night just went from meh to biblical thanks to drunk naked yahtzee
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
Randomize
