my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Just got a handjob in my psych lecture. You were right, going to class is paying off.
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