Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
well you can't waste a boner
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
And what in gods fuck were you drinking. It tasted like windex with a mixture of juce
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
