I almost hooked up with this girl last night. she had a tattoo of a cardinal next to her cooter. said it reminded her of her grandpa
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
she has tattoo'd to her hips "grip here" this is why they made spring break
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
Hey can you text me Heidi's phone number. I just stapled her mattress to the wall and I want to send her a picture of it.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
andy told me i got kicked out of the bar and was so drunk i forgot and got back in line. the bouncer was zero impressed
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
