im so horny i just used my electric toothbrush to masturbate. god help me
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
