Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
just woke up and this girl had my cellphone nestled in the front of her thong. i kept thinking "is this a trap?"
pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock
I THOUGHT I SAW YOU
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
It was great. Somehow, sleeping with her sister cured everything!
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
I mean, I was going to use them for a beading project, but I guess I could take one and let you bat my dick around like a cat toy.
Psssh like you wouldn't lick BBQ sauce off my nipples.
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