When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
Watching her eat just hurts me
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
And speaking of good acting I may have a sex tape now
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Yes. With one-hundred percent positivity I can say yes, I do not want you covered in waffles and syrup when I come home.
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