I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
We're 3 acts into this drag show and we've already run out of Lady Gaga songs.
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
If someone would have told me in preschool that I was going to do him I would have said no
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Was the first guy that bit your neck last night wearing a trenchcoat...I have a vague memory.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
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