i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
I just bought emergency deodorant at Dominick's and put it on in front of a homeless man while waiting for the bus. He laughed and said 'girl, you a mess'. This is my life.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
dude, he literally lasted one minute. and i paid 8 dollars for cabs.
Randomize
