Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Just ate applesauce I laced with percocets for dinner. I'm pretty sure my grandmother does the same thing.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
Bro she gave me the stare. It's like she boned me with her eyes. I'm going in.
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
It's a toss up. They'll either laugh and watch you drunkenly fuck on the beach or they'll throw you deep in Mexican jail.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Trust me. Drunk Scrabble is not a good idea. Arguments over the legitimacy of the word "Pickle" break out, things are said, friendships are ruined. It's ugly.
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
Was expecting a sext from Kristi and then my mom randomly sent me a pic of her ugly Xmas sweater. Worst. Buzzkill. Ever.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
An old biker dude just flirted with me at Food City. I enjoyed it. God damn I need to get laid.
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