Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
I just gargled with NyQuil
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
