wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
You're about to makeout with my vagina, I don't think she cares that you haven't brushed your teeth. Just get over here!
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
sometimes i like to lay one the floor and pretend im a carrot.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
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