New discovery: conditioner is better for jerking off than baby oil. Fuck yes.
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
If it was any colder outside, the frost from my breath would make a mixed drink
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
Randomize
