dude you just took shreks wife home. what the fuck is wrong with you
when a bears hungry he eats besides shes got her nipples pierced
i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
The cat be actin like a 2:30 am poop is the time to tell me all about her thoughts and fears in life. No bitch, this is definitely alone time.
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
Randomize
