oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
There's a girl in here wearing a kaballah bracelet and a miley Cyrus tshirt. consider her judged.
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
My niece just unknowingly cock blocked me. Obviously, someone won't be getting a christmas present this year.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
He put on a roller derby documentary. It was either bore myself to death watching that or take off my dress. He was very appreciative.
Fuck man, my Dad's been single so long I get him a year's sub to a porn site every year for for Father's Day
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
