Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
We should bet how many people are going to get alcohol poisoning next weekend and whoever wins gets a free Starbucks.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize
