There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
So I'm just casually at the grocery store when I remember that there's still a clove of garlic in my vagina
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
Randomize
