He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Not bad. Ran into Carlo. He shared a story about a sailor who got gonorrhea in his eye. It made me feel better about myself.
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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