he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
I'm pretty sure they changed the plants at the grocery store because of us
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
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