I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
It's 6 am, I'm drunk, and celebrating the end of finals.Go ahead and ask me where I am...if you guessed a McDonald's playpen then you are correct. Badabababa I'm loving it
No, you made a silk sheet toga and held up a dildo calling yourself "The Statue of Puberty". People made pilgrimages from the other party down the block to see you.
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I'm sorry I lead life with my vagina.
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
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