I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
There should be a blender full of rum, tea, and grape jelly in the freezer. She thought it was a good idea until she blew chunks.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Its not gay if you're best friends and there's less than an inch of dick in the picture. That's where the line is drawn
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
So pro tip. do not order drugs from india and then assume you know your tolerance level.
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
The girl at the liquor store remembered me as "the girl who pays in hundreds" so she didn't ID me
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
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