Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
How do we turn this unicorn pinata into a bong?
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
His ass is a ten, but his personality is a two. Which would average to a six if I didn't have to figure in apologizing to all and sundry. In short hard no. Get a new wingman.
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