Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.
I'm gonna drop in for a zip later man. It made me wanna eat my girls shampoo. Good shit
Nah, this is the University of Tennessee. She'll get the clap, and get busted for having pot in her dorm by spring break. This time next year she'll be part-timing at a community college as a nursing major. So predictable it hurts.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I got my nipples pierced. If you haven't seen my boobs in the past week, you're among the minority
the only things my left hand does: catch/hold things and masturbation.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
Randomize
