Important detail I forgot to tell you: leprechaun loves david bowie.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
I just woke up with a pair of handcuffs in my pants, can u explain this?
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
