There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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