my penis was classy and tasteful, i don't know what her problem was.
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.
I think we have a problem.
That shot was terrible
You were like one of those guys at carnivals that spit out fire..... Except it was throw up
He came to my Harry Potter marathon wearing a Hogwarts uniform. Of course I fucked him.
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
I walked in and found you petting your fish outside the bowl, you said its fine, you do this all the Time.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
She passed out in my baby sister's room so we put her in one of my grandma's diapers, put a pacifier in her mouth, put her in my sister's crib and took pictures.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
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