already putting money aside for 4/20. you ready for the greatest tuesday ever?
just went trash diving in my work clothes for weed. A&E's intervention here i come.
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
Apparently I mistakenly called the hair club for men at 3am... they called me back this morning.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
so.. he paid for my flight to vegas, took me to shows, bought my drinks and STILL rescued my drunk ass after i ditched him. i HAD to cuddle with him this morning.. fair exchange, right?!
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
