It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.
That's how you know you deserve to be a senior
All that matters is I got the megaphone home safely
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
The hypnotist is here. He has a black eye and smells like tequila.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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