So I'm sober and underage, being hit on by a groom-to-be with braces...is it a bad thing that I'm enjoying it?
Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Holy shit he's circumcised. His parents must have really loved him.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
