Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Her vagina smelled like chicken
why do you say that
chicken smells like everything
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?
can you come back were all locked out and alyssia's still inside passed out on the floor but more importantly i left a beer in there that's not finished
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable
You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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