I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
YOU TRIED TO SWIM IN HER FISHTANK. I don't think she's going to call you.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
I'm not big on drama but you need to put your pants on and leave.
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