maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
We just won 1800 at the casino and are going to the strip club. Who gives a fuck if it's 5pm
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
i asked her if she was sure that she was ready to do it and she replied with "come at me bro"
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