rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
The pine trees are waving at me.
Put the pipe down honey.
Hi trees.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
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