thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.
half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
It's like the first time your mom catches you masturbating. We both know what she saw. We're just not talking about it...
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
Randomize
