I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
He tried to pick up a girl by telling her about his homosexual experience in high school.
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
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