Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?
Both?
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Just once I'd like to throw a party where I don't have to clean up someone else's blood the next morning.
We never did figure out who the stuff on the wall came from, did we?
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
It's a journey
And the destination is his penis?
Precisely.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
