goodnight i made you a song goodbye
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
If your mother gets up on the bar again, I will. The bouncer already had a talk with her earlier.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
BECAUSE THIS IS AMERICA AND DONUTS AND TITTIES AND ALCOHOL IS WHAT THIS COUNTRY WAS FOUNDED ON
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize
