i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
I'm not gonna lie. The only reason I haven't drank a whole bottle of crown tonight is because we only had 3/4 of a bottle left.
Your vagina is not a steamboat from the 1800's
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
What the hell do you do when your fuck buddy leaves to go for a piss naked and 20 minutes later hasn't come back and can't be found anywhere in the house or outside but has left his phone, tee shirt and shoes in your bedroom.
I don't think there is a pre defined social etiquette for a lost naked fuck buddy now roaming the streets.
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
There are leaves in my underwear?
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Randomize
