Baffled as to how I'm gonna get 150lbs of sand out of my basement.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Dude, the lecture theatre is caving in on me.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Randomize
