I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
NO YOU'RE NOT. I don't want to hear that SHIT. Jameson appreciation day part 1 is saturday and YOU WILL BE READY.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Just had sex in the darkroom, while a class was going on ten feet away. I finally have a good sex story.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
Randomize
