Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
the point i decided it was time to leave was when i was on the floor of the bar, after taking her down with me, and a table.
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Maybe STDs were invented to keep stupid people from having kids.
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
