My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
He spanked me with a plate. I'm not sure where this is going...
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.
It's like your tits told gravity 'fuck you, I'm fine right here!'
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
you were bawling because you felt bad for being so drunk and then you asked for a beer
Randomize
