You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
i was so high that i was eating crumbs of my bed only to realize they were fuzz thingies. fml.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
OMG. if college stays like this, theres no way i wont be pregnant by first semester
Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.
We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
